so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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