Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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