she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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