I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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