I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
