Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
