My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
