bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
