He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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