can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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