I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
