if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
