I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
