so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
