3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
