Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
