Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
