I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
