So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
