they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The best revenge is premature balding
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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