You're completely useless in the revolution.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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