I wish I could teleport
I think I won the penis lottery.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
