I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
