cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
