matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
