I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
