i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
