I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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