My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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