Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
