last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
