"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
