I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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