the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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