like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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