I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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