I want to walk on stilts...naked
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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