the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
