So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
