last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
