hotel room ftw
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
