There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
