i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
