I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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