Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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