Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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