So gin and wine won't be happening again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
