Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
