happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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