Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
