my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
