i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
