Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
