The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
