sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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