grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
